Depression

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

Moderator: Moderator

User avatar
Rick Keeney
Posts: 1099
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:40 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: Depression

Postby Rick Keeney » Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:36 am

Steve Evil wrote:Heart pounding,


That's bothersome. And not to be downplayed.

diane bartels
Posts: 1255
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:29 pm
Location: CHICAGO IL

Re: Depression

Postby diane bartels » Sat Jan 25, 2014 2:48 am

Steve E. I suffer from killer anxiety attacks too. Like being chased by an invisible monster. I am on clonazepam. Don't need it every day but pretty close. Soon as this weather breaks, back to a career hunt.
Feel better and you and Rick and Lori and everyone, know you are in my thoughts. Steve B, and Rick W thank you. If one of you get a chance to tell Harlan, messages from are gold in the darkness.

User avatar
FrankChurch
Posts: 16283
Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 2:19 pm

Re: Depression

Postby FrankChurch » Sat Jan 25, 2014 9:58 am

I will pray for you Steven.

User avatar
Steve Evil
Posts: 3519
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2004 3:22 pm
Location: Some Cave in Kanata
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby Steve Evil » Sat Jan 25, 2014 3:02 pm

If you were referring to me, I'll take what I can get. . .

David Silver
Posts: 195
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:07 pm
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby David Silver » Wed Jan 29, 2014 7:14 pm

I get night anxiety attacks. Had them for years. Get to sleep without a problem, usually around 11:00 PM, just nod right off. But on too many early mornings just about 3:00 AM I suddenly wake up, heart pounding, hands shaking, my pulse throbbing in my neck, covered in sweat, and feeling like I've been running from the devil himself. I toddle downstairs to my office, plunk down in front of the computer, and work. It's the only thing that seems to calm me down. Pointless mindless work (I have my share to do on a regular basis...part of my business), with intermittent pointless web surfing, until I'm exhausted. Some days it takes an hour, some days I don't get back in bed until 6:00 AM to catch one more precious hour of sleep. It got pretty bad early last year in the months after my mom died, not due to grief, but from the endless onslaught of pressure and responsibility that was shoveled onto my shoulders afterward. It's getting better, the past couple of months it only seemed to happen to me about once a week, but I had one last night, and it was a doozy. Woke up thinking I was having a full bore heart attack. I've been to Kaiser a couple of times for check-ups and discussed it with my doctor. He suggested it might be low level PTSD from the nasty experience of watching my mom die, and recommended (actually prescribed) some time with a social worker. I declined. I didn't have a clue what I would have talked about. Later he offered to prescribe "a little something" to help me sleep. Nope. I want to understand and address the problem on a conscious level, not mask it with medication. So far, no help. It's a puzzle. I have enormous empathy for people who suffer chronic anxiety disorders. You're not alone...
We don't stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because we stop playing.

-- George Bernard Shaw

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Depression

Postby Chuck Messer » Wed Jan 29, 2014 8:44 pm

I've thought of seeking counseling over the death of my father. I had to watch him die over the course of more than a year. I think I still carry it with me. I get where you're coming from, Dave. I frankly don't know how my stepmom gets her strength. For me, it's not anxiety attacks, but just a kind of inertia. For example, I have completed a short story which I should have submitted months ago. It still sits there, unsent. It's like I don't want to be a moving target. If I make myself small and invisible, maybe the giant 1,000 lb. shoe won't drop. Or something.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

User avatar
Moderator
Site Admin
Posts: 10607
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2006 12:17 pm
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby Moderator » Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:24 pm

We just got word Neocon Jim's wife's father has terminal liver cancer.

Weeks.

Fuck Cancer.

Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck cancer.
- I love to find adventure. All I need is a change of clothes, my Nikon, an open mind and a strong cup of coffee.

David Silver
Posts: 195
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:07 pm
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby David Silver » Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:26 pm

Hey Chuck,

Wow, that perfectly sums up the way I felt for a couple months right after mom passed...a lack of productive inertia. It was like the void left behind when my mom was gone became a vacuum that kept sucking me down to one spot. I couldn't move forward. Chuck, that's revelatory. I never thought about that until you just mentioned it. The increased anxiety attacks at night were just a more fevered and intense form of something I'd been experiencing for years, but they were dramatic, so I was paying attention to them. That lack of forward inertia...you're so right, I never recognized it while it was happening, but I certainly suffered with it as well! I think it's mostly past now, but I do still find myself sometimes losing track of time, lost in thought, when I should be working or accomplishing something. I'm not stuck now, but things can get very slo-o-o-o-o-w, and I'll lose my focus. Do you experience that? Is that a common aspect of the grieving process?
We don't stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because we stop playing.

-- George Bernard Shaw

David Silver
Posts: 195
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:07 pm
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby David Silver » Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:28 pm

Barber wrote:We just got word Neocon Jim's wife's father has terminal liver cancer.

Weeks.

Fuck Cancer.

Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck cancer.


Gosh, that's terrible. How very, very sad for Jim and his family.
We don't stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because we stop playing.

-- George Bernard Shaw

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Depression

Postby Chuck Messer » Thu Jan 30, 2014 1:49 am

I'm not stuck now, but things can get very slo-o-o-o-o-w, and I'll lose my focus. Do you experience that? Is that a common aspect of the grieving process?


Yeah, I experience that. I don't know how common it is, but I really need to do something about it. Concerning the short story, I guess I'm also a bit intimidated by the fact that they (meaning Ellery Queen Magazine) want a cover letter. It's like applying for a job, and I have no credentials. It's a bit intimidating.

Steve,
Sorry about Jim's father in law. You're right. Fuck cancer.

Cancer the Thief comes stealing in again
To make another hole in the world.
Fuck Cancer.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

diane bartels
Posts: 1255
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 7:29 pm
Location: CHICAGO IL

Re: Depression

Postby diane bartels » Thu Jan 30, 2014 3:51 am

oh Barber I am so sorry for your friend. I will pray for him his dad and you.

David Silver
Posts: 195
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:07 pm
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby David Silver » Thu Jan 30, 2014 8:41 am

Chuck Messer wrote:

Concerning the short story, I guess I'm also a bit intimidated by the fact that they (meaning Ellery Queen Magazine) want a cover letter. It's like applying for a job, and I have no credentials. It's a bit intimidating.


Chuck, I'm VERY familiar with the submission process at Ellery Queen's, and the cover letter is no big deal. In their online submission system, they provide a specific spot to upload a cover letter, and the truth is that you don't have to upload one at all, they'll read your story anyway, but if you must, then I recommend writing something like, "Hello, I'm Chuck Messer, I'm a (fill in the blank) living in (fill in the blank), and I've been writing short stories now for about (fill in the blank) years. Please accept for submission my new story (fill in the blank), which is (fill in the blank) words long, and is a (fill in the blank) type of mystery. This is my first submission to Ellery Queen's, and if purchased, it would be my very first fiction sale. Thank your for your time and consideration." For the type of story, you only need to say it's a locked room mystery or a police procedural or a private detective noir or an historical piece set in the (fill in the blank) century or whatever the darn thing is. Done. Don't be intimidated. Seriously, this is all you need to do. No more excuses. Now go submit!!!!!
We don't stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because we stop playing.

-- George Bernard Shaw

User avatar
Chuck Messer
Posts: 2089
Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 9:15 pm
Location: Lakewood, Colorado

Re: Depression

Postby Chuck Messer » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:38 pm

Okay, Dave. I finally sent it. Now we'll see what happens.

I don't know why I've been feeling especially melancholy about Dad's passing lately. He died on Dec. 14th, 2010. I finally brought myself to visit his grave marker in August (he was cremated). I think I stuffed my grief deep down, and it's leaking back to the surface. It's not just his death, but the way it happened. He had a rare neurological disorder, Progressive Supranulear Palsy. It caused Alzheimer's type dementia and a deterioration of his motor functions. I got to watch him die a little at a time, for a year and a half. It still tears me up.

I think I need to see someone about this.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

User avatar
Steve Evil
Posts: 3519
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2004 3:22 pm
Location: Some Cave in Kanata
Contact:

Re: Depression

Postby Steve Evil » Fri Jan 31, 2014 1:29 pm

Go do it Chuck. that's not something you should have to carry around forever. Mourning is something that none of us can avoid, but if there are things that can help, I say go for it.

Best wishes. . .

User avatar
Ben W.
Posts: 443
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:07 pm

Re: Depression

Postby Ben W. » Sat Mar 22, 2014 9:38 am

Money money money. Everything is about money. Your existence is only justified by the amount you're able to earn. As Saul Bellow said, quite succinctly I think:

Uch! How they love money, thought Wilhelm. They adore money! Holy money! Beautiful money! It was getting so that people were feeble-minded about everything except money.


The requirement of money is inescapable. I can't operate by human society's rules any more. I want out. They'll label me a coward, but at least I'll be free of the likes of them.


Return to “General”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests