Depression

General discussions of interest to readers and fans of Harlan Ellison.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Depression

Postby Lori Koonce » Sat Mar 22, 2014 10:41 am

Ben

Please know that at least one person values what you bring to this world. You don't speak here on the boards often, but when you do, I always end up with something to think about.

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Ben W.
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Re: Depression

Postby Ben W. » Sat Mar 22, 2014 1:31 pm

I appreciate the kind thoughts, Lori, but I've reached the stage of my life where I have to justify my existence through the accumulation of stupid little green pieces of paper. Either I get with the program, or I check out. I didn't have any choice about being born (as far as I know), so why I can't I have any choice about how I should die?

Douglas Harrison
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Re: Depression

Postby Douglas Harrison » Sat Mar 22, 2014 2:13 pm

Ben, please don't act on how you feel today. As trite as it sounds, things change. It may take weeks or months, but the worst will pass and a kind of light will return to the world. I speak from my own experience, as someone who has been flat broke a number of times and who three-and-a-half years ago was tens of thousands of dollars in debt.

Hang in there, my friend. The good moments are worth it.

D.

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Steve Evil
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Re: Depression

Postby Steve Evil » Sat Mar 22, 2014 5:13 pm

Ben W. wrote:Money money money. Everything is about money. Your existence is only justified by the amount you're able to earn.



I do sympathize. It seems that money alone determines the sort of existence we are allowed to have. The things I was raised to take for granted - getting married, owning a home, starting a family - feel completely out of reach now. I don't see an end in sight.

Why do I get the feeling the expression "money can't buy happiness" was coined (ha!) by someone who never really lacked it?

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Steve Evil
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Re: Depression

Postby Steve Evil » Sat Mar 22, 2014 5:16 pm

Ben W. wrote: I didn't have any choice about being born (as far as I know), so why I can't I have any choice about how I should die?


It's entirely up to you, but I would encourage you to procrastinate. Put it off. In the end, it won't matter whether you delayed it a day or two. And who knows? In that day or two, things just might get better. Maybe not, but they might. . .

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Depression

Postby Chuck Messer » Sat Mar 22, 2014 8:02 pm

And there's no need to die because some bald monkeys invented something called money and put it above all else. Give it a few days. Don't be rash.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Depression

Postby Lori Koonce » Sun Mar 23, 2014 10:12 am

Ben W. wrote:I appreciate the kind thoughts, Lori, but I've reached the stage of my life where I have to justify my existence through the accumulation of stupid little green pieces of paper. Either I get with the program, or I check out. I didn't have any choice about being born (as far as I know), so why I can't I have any choice about how I should die?


I'm not trying to keep you from actually doing it Ben. The choice ultimately is yours. I've been in your shoes, so I am just sharing the only bit of truth I know with someine who seems to need it.

in the end You choose who you are and what will define you. Maybe its time to say fuck off to what society is telling you and go it alone. Not an easy thing, but sometimes you have to blaze trails, not follow them.

diane bartels
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Re: Depression

Postby diane bartels » Sun Mar 23, 2014 7:05 pm

Ben, please just wait a day or two. A lot can happen in 48 hours. Try to talk to a professional. I know, cause I have felt a similar despair at times. But I'm glad those feelings passed, and I am better. The situations I am in haven't really changed. I just feel better, and I think eventually you will. You are more and better than those people's opinions.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Depression

Postby Chuck Messer » Sun Mar 23, 2014 7:19 pm

Ben: Like others here I have been there. Let me tell you about my own flirtation with the Dark Place. In 1996, I was laid off. I figured I'd be out of work for a few months, Uncle Sam would help me over the rough spots, and I'd hardly get my hair mussed. Also, I suffer from clinical depression which is kept mostly in check with medications, which, without medical insurance, is very expensive. I was out of work for a year and a half. I was making payments on a car, and that was a major burden for someone without a steady job. The job situation was so bad, I had a hard time getting temp work. Long story short: I was financially ruined, my overly optimistic estimate of my chances of getting a job didn't play out. My creditors were howling at the door, the electric company was threatening to shut of the lights, lawyers were calling me at home, and then when I finally took a job at sixty percent of my previous pay, they were calling me at work. They just KNEW I had some equity somewhere. I made good faith payments. They got even worse. My father gave them a sizable chunk of cash. They got worse. I had gone six months without the medication that keeps my brain in chemical balance.

You don't need me tell you what it's like. Sometimes you're dead inside. No enthusiasm about anything. You're a cypher. You know you should feel something, but nothing comes. You just wander through life, rudderless, apathetic. Then there are the other times. It feels a little like there's this horrible, clawed thing inside. It twists around, biting, clawing, stinging, tearing you apart from inside. Drinking doesn't stop it. Sleep, if it comes, is only a temporary respite.

Rodney Dangerfield did a routine about his depression, which he called the Heavyness. It would be there when he woke up. It would say, "You're gonna get it good today. You're gonna be drinkin' EARLY." That's certainly how I felt. Given my situation with my creditors, the thing with the claws make more and more frequent visits. I became bitter at the whole world. We'd all be better off dead. I looked upon death as an out. An option. Finally, one day I decided to buy some ammunition for my 20 gauge shotgun, which hasn't seen any ammo since Gerald Ford was in office. I wasn't going to use it right away, just have it there for a rainy day. When I went to the local sporting goods shop to buy my 'exit visa', I saw the ammo was kept behind the counter at the firearms department. How things had changed. I had to ask for the ammo. I hesitated. How would I ask for this? I pretended to shop around at the holsters and fishing lures. Finally, I got up the courage to walk up to the man at the counter and ask for a box of 20 gauge birdshot. He asked me what I wanted it for, probably wanting to know if I would be shooting traps, or birds. I mumbled something I don't remember, and walked out.

Eventually, I declared bankruptcy (which I hated), got a raise and used my health plan to get back on my meds. Those were some of the blackest days I've ever experienced. I know I made some colossal mistakes with my finances, without which my problems would have be a good deal less. I know what it's like to want to make it stop.

Still here, muthafuggah.

Stick around. Find out how it really turns out.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Rick Keeney
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Re: Depression

Postby Rick Keeney » Thu Apr 10, 2014 8:39 am

Boy, some mornings are worlds of fun, aren't they? meh #gobacktobed

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Ben W.
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Re: Depression

Postby Ben W. » Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:35 pm

Chuck,

There's a high possibility your post might have saved my life. Or, at the very least, deterred me from doing something drastic. I'm frightened of money, but more importantly, I'm frightened of those who want it, and those who already have it.

If anyone else here has ever read SEIZE THE DAY (or seen the movie)...well, let's just say the lead character's father is the one kind of human being I fear the most, and loathe the most. I couldn't share the same room with such a person without murdering them instantly, inevitable life sentence be damned.

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Chuck Messer
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Re: Depression

Postby Chuck Messer » Sat Apr 26, 2014 1:36 am

Ben, I am gobsmacked.

Chuck
Some people are wedded to their ideology the way nuns are wed to God.

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Lori Koonce
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Re: Depression

Postby Lori Koonce » Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:52 am

Chuck

You are gobsmacked, but I am so proud to be able to call you friend.

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Rick Keeney
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Re: Depression

Postby Rick Keeney » Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:15 pm

Ben, keep coming here. Please.

rick_keeney@yahoo.com

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Rick Keeney
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Re: Depression

Postby Rick Keeney » Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:17 pm

Also, I regret not paying closer atttention to posts here. I'm glad everyone else was on their game.


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